Leviticous-cous, A vegan manifesto

Chapter 1: the café of non-meat-eating

A general spirit of virtue-based Veganism called to the leaderless mob of animal rights advocates from within the Café of non-Meat-eating. It said, “When one among you desires to present an offering of plant-based sustenance to honour the value of animals and proclaim your virtue, let them gather the finest fruits, vegetables, and grains. Let no living creature be harmed for this sacred (low-calorie) feast. Let nothing be used from either herd or flock. But only that which can be plucked from the ground. It may have spot or blemish and be riddled with defect for you are not a people who shop at supermarkets with unnatural aesthetic standards. You are a people who are accepting of all fruits and vegetables no matter the shape, size, colour, or gender.

You must present this feast at the entrance to the café of non-meat-eating so that it will be acceptable to the general spirit of virtue-based veganism and in the eyes of all who see this great virtue. This offering is an atonement between you and the earth (in lieu of the better alternative of self-selected human extinction – which is lacking popularity due to the selfishness of the human race).

You are to pluck the apple from the tree, crush it, juice it, and sprinkle the juice upon the café tables as a fragrant offering and aroma pleasing to the mob.

Take a hin of olive oil and the finest flour and bake wholemeal sourdough loaves in a woodfired oven at the heart of the café of non-meat-eating. After baking the loaves, remove the crust. The volunteers at the café may eat the loaf. But the crust is to be offered to the Spirit of Veganism for it Is the most holy part of the loaf offering. It must be presented to the general spirit of veganism for the atonement of the mob. Post it on social media for all to see. In this way, it will be a perpetual memory for all who enter the café of non-meat-eating.

Season all your vegetable-based offerings with salt. Do not leave the salt of the covenant of non-harm out of your grain offerings; add salt to all your offerings.

Chapter 2: The Priestly volunteers

After the social movement had gained greater online presence the spirit of veganism spoke to the crowd through the self-selecting process of one person electing themselves to be spokesperson. He said, “Let those with the most zeal for veganism be selected from the mob by my impartial and selfless selecting as selflessly self-appointed leader chosen by the spirit and ethos of veganism as determined by social media following.” Twelve of the most outspoken advocates for animal rights were self-selected and came forward by virtue of their virtue and outspokenness. Nobody dared stand up to them for the spirit of veganism was with them. The priest anointed them with olive oil and gave each a garland of celery to represent the perpetual self-selecting process to be used by all gatekeeps for the duration of the spiritual and religious movement of generic notions of justice for life in general (humanity not included).

At the café of non-meat-eating two other self-professing and outspoken animal right advocates entered and sought to offer contrary and unauthorized offerings of honey from the honeycomb (considered by the most strict rules of veganism to be unethical and unjust due to its association with the categorisation of Hymenoptera) and palm-oil (which threatens forests in a roundabout way). The priest instigated the mob and the twelve leaders joined in. The two who offered unauthorised offerings out of a misguided sense of justice were deemed unjust and the mob posted photos of them on social media and consumed them in a media firestorm of the greatest reputational ruin. They were swallowed up whole, and all who followed them by associated were likewise consumed. In this way, the strictness of the mob was confirmed, and the priest was satisfied.

Chapter 3: sin offerings

The priest spoke on his social media platform. The people listened and obeyed. He said, “If any of you sins, let them be cancelled. But for those who have sinned but nobody knows about it, seek to live a better life to atone for your sins. Come to the café of non-meat-eating and present your currency. Purchase for yourself lentils and post a photo on social media. By this will you be known as holy. Be holy as I am holy.” Said the priest, and the gatekeepers agreed. “If anyone sins and is caught by one of the mob and it is posted on social media, that member shall be cast out of the community.”

Chapter 4: on sexual relations

The 12 gatekeepers posted, “In regard to sexual relations, let a person have sex as they see fit in their own eyes. No one is to hinder another in this way. You are to make love to one another. Only allow the sexual partners to give consent. In this way you will be known among the nations. For you are an animal, as others are animals. Do as the animals do.”

At that time a great cloud filled to Café of non-meat-eating as the priest turned on a smoke machine. There were lights and sounds like thunder from the café as a DJ spun the discs and the strobe was plugged in. The people rejoiced. They slept with whoever was pleasing to the eye.

During the revelries, a community advocate spoke up. “Is this sexual freedom not demeaning? Are we not more than animals?” she said.

Her words were brought to the priest and the 12 gatekeepers. It was unanimously decided that she would be cancelled and defamed publicly. The priest said, “post her actions online. Everyone who heard her say these things is to comment and to lay their thumbs over the angry emojis and reactions for she has blasphemed. The entire assembly online did as the priest and gatekeepers told them. In this way the evil was purged from among them.

Chapter 5: various laws

It arose online and was agreed upon in general that the following laws would be instated because they are universally obvious.

Respect animals.

When you make more money than others, keep it for yourself. In this way you will store up for yourself treasures on earth and be able to spend more on lentils, vitamin and mineral supplements, expensive ecologically minded products and café meals.

Do not steal, unless you feel you have to.

Do not lie, unless you feel you have to.

Do not deceive one another, unless you feel you have to.

Do not swear falsely, unless you feel you have to.

Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, unless they are ideologically deaf and blind. In which case, judge them by our standards instead of their own.

Do not go about spreading slander among your people, unless it’s about others who are ideologically different.

Do not hate a fellow vegan, unless you think you’re doing a better job than they are but you are not recognised for it.

Do not eat meat.

Do not practice divination or seek omens or look into astrology. It’s embarrassing.

Chapter 5: rewards for obedience

If you follow these rules in the strictest sense possible, and if you post it online for all to see, then you will be rewarded with favour. Your profile will be fruitful and increase in followers. The priest and the gatekeepers will like your posts. You will eat vegetables and not grow fat. You will eat choice fruits in abundance and not suffer from malnutrition. Justice will make its dwelling place among you. A general air of self-congratulation will follow you all your days. Then you will die in peace and become food for worms.

Chapter 6: consequences for disobedience

If you fail, you will be a person devoted to destruction, with no hope of redemption, to be put to death by the community.