Lately I’ve been writing about marriage. It just so happens I read a book on the topic, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work, by Gottman and Silver. Great book! We looked at a whole bunch of stuff in those posts about what the intersection between the bible and those principles were.
But as I wrote those posts I was reminded of a chapter in a book I read before I got married (this is 6 years ago now). It is Francis Chan’s book, You and Me Forever – Marriage in Light of Eternity. As you could imagine if you know the alacrity, the eagerness, of Mr. Chan with all things God Glorifying, his book on marriage has that flavor to it. Exclamation marks in abundance!!! His zeal-infused written manner is a nice pep up – and sometimes I’ll just take them wherever I can get them.
Him and his wife apply this zeal to the consideration of marriage and it provides a wonderful balance (and challenge) when considering marriage theologically and practically. So as I considered life in matrimony (more practically speaking) as I read Gottman’s book, I thought it worthwhile to revisit Chan’s writings on the subject.
The chapter I love most is chapter 4, “Don’t waste your marriage – Marriage in light of our mission”. Here are a couple of quotes I particularly found helpful.
“Our mission does not call us to neglect our marriages. But a marriage cannot be healthy unless we are seeking his kingdom and righteousness first (Matt.6:33). Being in war together is what keeps us from being at war with each other.” P.97
“It is our mutual love for Jesus that binds us, and our love for his mission in particular. We both love helping people repent of their sin, turn to Jesus, and be filled with the Spirit. I love watching her share her faith, disciple young women, care for the poor, and minister to children. This may sound weird, but watching her minister attracts me to her even more. And she loves it when I speak for God fearlessly, even when others hate it. She encourages me to minister and assures me that she will take good care of the kids while I’m out speaking and serving. We love being on the mission together. In fact, it is the times when we neglect the mission and just focus on our own desires that conflict arises. Staying on the mission is what draws us closer together.” p.112
What Chan is trying to do in his book (or at least in this chapter) is bring a bit of perspective to marriage. Marriage isn’t about marriage. The modern notion of marriage for the most part is that it fulfils some sort of longing in me, that it brings some kind of satisfaction to me. But the mission of marriage, which Francis Chan is trying to remind us of here, is not about our marriage. It is first and foremost about the kingdom. In a sense we might say that our mission in marriage is to do more for the kingdom together than we would be able to do apart.
In the second quote he talks about the joy that comes while husband and wife are about the task of kingdom growth together. But he also touches on the fact that when our focus is on ourselves what can often arise is conflict. He is speaking anecdotally here, but at least anecdotally I agree with him. I have found that to be the case in my own marriage (and my wife would agree). Our marriage is often at its best when we are most focused on doing kingdom work.
Let me encourage you that if you are married, make mission the mission of your marriage, not marriage the mission of your marriage. Does that even make sense? Not sure, but it sounds neat.
Chan, F. and Chan, L. (2014) You and me forever: marriage in light of eternity. San Francisco: Claire Love Publishing.
Bigvai and Shiphrah 