Is it possible that a good marriage could be defined by a negative, the absence of conflict? The arcane, the esoteric knowledge behind a successful marriage, could it really be as simple as avoiding the higher levels of the decibel range? Not at all.
In the book, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work, Gottman and Silver go on to talk about what makes a good marriage is a marriage that is creating within itself shared meaning, a marriage that is striving to achieve common convictions and goals. As Gottman puts it, “In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just ‘get along’—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” (p. 28)
Reading this book and getting to the seventh principal (creating shared meaning) made me realise my naïveté. I mean, surely no one would commit to a long-term relationship (even marriage) without first considering (or at least considering early on) what the purpose, goal, meaning and convictions of the relationship are going to be… I know you mock me now as the blue light filters through your corneas and into your grey matter. I acknowledge, I am naïve.
I have a theory as to how it is possible that so many relationships could go on to develop into something as serious as marriage and yet lack something as serious as shared meaning. Now of course you might echo the words of Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade of Scotland Yard, “You and your theories Mr Nichols”. But humour me a moment.
Physical attraction and the glue that is sex are quite powerful. And nowadays, it is totally unheard of for a couple to abstain from sex until marriage. So it is no wonder that people find themselves together and maybe eventually married, then discover that they do not share the same goals or fundamental values in life. Quite an amazing predicament to be in. Our age’s near-sightedness and lack of circumspection is something to behold.
How does all this happen? Well, feelings of affection and attraction occur for the most mundane of reasons. One of the most prevalent is simply that of proximity. The more time you happen to spend around someone, the more attracted you are to them (to a degree). Interaction breeds the anticipation of interaction.* People who have a catalogue and backlog of these mere exposures go on to develop affections. These affections coupled with physical attractiveness lead to something saucy known as sexual tension… And we all know that sexual longing must be fulfilled in every circumstance no matter!
In the end, at least humanly speaking, the mundane laws behind attraction boil down to a matter of mere opportunity, that is; proximity, interaction (and physique).
So we should not be surprised that there is such a capacity for superficiality when it comes to our relationships in the modern age. Two people might simply share the same job or the same friend circle, be attracted to each other, sleep with each other, and then the next minute you’ve got a serious relationship going on. What does this mean for future them? Well, down the line they might realise they actually don’t share any life goals or deep convictions, but have cooled down to a toleration of each other’s opposing views, because for the honeymoon time they were enjoying lots of sex…
It’s all rather childish and displays a great lack of self-control and reflection. Now of course I am making broad generalisations in my story-telling description of the situation. But to my mind it seems that the factors at play are rather obvious and well documented and understood.
As Christians, when it comes to the seventh principal of making marriage work (creating shared meaning), we must not take it for granted that we are provided with this meaning from God. We do not search it out on our own all the while hoping that someone out there who is searching for meaning themselves just happens to come up with the very same convictions and goals as ourselves. We are given meaning from God, to know him, love him, live with him, and glorify him.
The Bible urges us to practice a good degree of earnest circumspection when it comes to marriage. The seventh principal ought to be the very first for the Christian.
*These principles were drawn out from the book Exploring Social Psychology. 6th ed. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2012, written by David G. Myers. (pg 315-327)
Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2018.
Bigvai and Shiphrah 