In our last post regarding the seven principles we considered some of the novel concepts that a Christian reader would encounter, that is to say, novel to Scripture. For example we considered the wisdom and recognition that Gottman and Silver had in identifying certain problematic patterns that persistently creep into marriages causing them to nosedive into a deadly divorce.
At the beginning of that post I said that the Christian doesn’t strictly need to read this book. I flagrantly and insanely stated that the Bible sufficiently directs us in a life of godliness. It’s madness! But it’s true. So what I wanted to do in this post is to look at some of the ideas that are presented in the seven principles which do have an overlap with biblical principles.
One of the most important pieces of practical advice given in the seven principles is the identification of what they call “repair attempts”. The repair attempt proffered by a spouse could take any guise from poking the tongue out to defuse tension through to direct statements of apology. Repair attempts do not occur in the midst of bliss but rather in the midst of an emotional and verbal battering that’s occurring.
Strictly speaking one could either accept or rebuff the repair attempts. Of course rebuffing them will eventually lead to a deep dark place. But in accepting them, quite the opposite. However, consider how hard it is to put aside our pride and offer an apology, or still yet to reciprocate kindly if a repair attempt is made towards us when we are suffering from an injustice and we are out for blood.
It’s a steep call. But the Christian is prepared for that call. The Lord Jesus calls us to repent (confessing our sins and shortcomings to God and each other) and also to forgive. But because marriage (in principle) is for life, you will be taking on a certain set of persistent problems in the form of another human being. To quote Gottman quoting Dan Wile, “When choosing a long-term partner . . . you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” (p.139) What then? We might ask with Peter, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” And Jesus responds to us as to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matt. 18:21–22)
In another section of the book Gottman and Silver identify some common areas of conflict. One of them unsurprisingly is the “in-laws”. They state, “At the core of the tension is a turf battle between the two women for the husband’s love. The wife is watching to see whether her husband backs her or his mother. She is wondering, ‘Which family are you really in?’ Often the mother is asking the same question.” (p.202)
Could it be that the Bible has an answer to such an ancient problem? Absolutely! And it’s in the simple and ancient statement at the very beginning of the Bible (it’s as if God built his wisdom into the very fabric of creation), “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24)
The Christian is prepared for these potentially hostile hot havens of emotion by accepting their responsibility, specifically the men, to put their wives before all else and to love them as Christ loves the church. A man’s family (particularly his wife) becomes his primary responsibility regarding loving service and relational importance.
Gottman adds a little bit more worldly wisdom to this stating that at the heart of this conflict the man’s wife is longing for a sense of “we-ness” (which is not to be mistaken with the piece of skin at the end of your elbow). The man can provide this solidarity with a little bit of elbow grease directed towards his marital relationship.
There is more to mine from this book through the lens of the Bible than I’ve done here in this short reflection. But I hope to have sparked a degree of deferential acknowledgement to the sufficiency of the Bible in guiding us through some of life’s most important relationships.
Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2018.
Bigvai and Shiphrah 