Survivor’s Guilt

Some months ago I wrote a post ‘On Envy’. In this I described the guilt that I had felt when having a good thing that some dear friends of mine wanted but lacked. In the months since that post I found myself in a some-what opposite situation. However, God used the things I had learned in the good times to help me when feeling the lack of a good thing.

I will describe the situation.

Recently I gave birth to and then lost my little baby Ellie. Obviously, this has been quite hard for me and my husband. 

However, in this year alone a good number of our friends have also given birth to babies. A lot of us are just in that stage of life. In fact, in the ten days between when I was in labour through to when our daughter passed away I even know of three babies that were born. What a beautiful gift of life!

Quite understandably though, my friends were then put in the awkward position of trying to figure out how to feel about their joy of having a new baby when my husband and I had lost ours.

Obviously, this is a very hard topic to talk about when one is in that position. Some years ago I had a conversation with one of my mum’s old friends, who had given birth to a child just months before my mother lost my younger baby brother. She expressed the guilt that she felt as she watched my mother grieve. And I am grateful that she told me about this, because it meant that when my daughter also died I was aware of this phenomenon – a phenomenon that may be called ‘survivor’s guilt’.

While I acknowledge that I could feel bitter or envious of the beautiful babies around me, I also intentionally have not pursued such thoughts. As God has taught me over the years, he is my shepherd, and he is also the shepherd of my Christian friends. He is caring for my friends, and he is caring for me. Every situation that we have is given by him, and even in the valley of the shadow of death he holds us close and comforts and provides for us. That I could feel like this is a testament to the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I am grateful that the virtues he has fostered in me in the good times are the same ones that have carried me through the dark times. So many things have been helpful. Three that initially come to mind are the long-used reflexive muscle that trusts that God is always good and wise, the ingrained decision to not pursue unhelpful thoughts and the practiced habit of rejoicing with those who rejoice.

Growing up hearing my mother speak of her experience of loss was also another thing that helped prepare me for my own.

When I eventually recalled the conversation with the old family friend I realised that some of my own friends probably felt this way, and so I reached out (As it turns out, my mum had reached out in a similar way in her day with a relative who felt survivor’s guilt. Sadly, history repeats itself). While I acknowledge that grief comes in waves and that there are many things that trigger my sadness I also am not afraid of them. I accept the tears – they are, after all, healing. I also genuinely rejoice with all of my dear friends to whom the Lord has given the joy of live babies. I know that life is rarely straightforward, that new parenthood is difficult in its own way, and I look forward to meeting them all.