Recently I’ve been reading a very helpful book called, ‘Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World’s Largest Religion’ by Rebecca McLaughlin. It was published relatively recently – in 2019 – and it features a wonderful combination of McLaughlin’s sharp wit and a plethora of footnoted stats and research. Definitely worth a read if you would like a fresh angle on addressing the hottest questions of our time.
Something I would like to express – both in light of this work and another that I recently read (‘The gospel comes with a house key’, by Rosaria Butterfield) – is my thankfulness for the work of Christians who experience same-sex attraction in writing on this subject. It is wonderful to hear in their own words that knowing Christ is so much better than pursuing one’s own desires. That our Lord rescued them. Things that I know myself in other ways.
I wanted to reflect more on attraction in this post. In her chapter on homosexuality, McLaughlin quoted some interesting research by Lisa Diamond which indicated that bisexuality is quite common (see McLaughlin p.168). Namely, many people who may identify themselves as being predominantly oriented towards the same or opposite sex will also report at times experiencing attraction to the other sex. While obviously many are predominantly same or opposite-sex attracted, her point was that this is often not exclusively so.
The reason why I mention this is because it highlights our agency. Namely, just because one may feel an attraction, does not mean that one must then identify with and actively pursue that way of life. McLaughlin offers her own story as a woman primarily attracted to other women, and yet happily married to a man. For her as a Christian, this then means that sexual temptation will usually come from the direction of other women. I am grateful for her story, because I resonate with her that as a Christian, all forms of temptations to sin do come, but the calling for all of us who follow Christ is the same: we are called to holiness. We are called to deny our selves and follow Christ with our mind and actions – regardless of whatever attractions we experience.
As I think about my own life, I’m currently happily married to a Christian man who is shorter than me. However, for the most part, attractions have come from men who are slightly taller than me, and there have also been occasions where I mentally acknowledged budding attraction to particular women. What does a Christian do with such feelings? As I reflect upon this, I think about a quote from Martin Luther – to the extent that you can’t stop the birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from making a nest in your hair. That is, thoughts and feelings will come, but we can control what we set our minds on and pursue.
So what do I do? I do several things.
Firstly, I acknowledge the desires for what they are: enticements to sin (see James 1:14-15). In God’s eyes, sexual intimacy is to be only expressed between one man and one woman within the exclusive bond of marriage. And as a married woman, my desires should be directed exclusively towards my husband. Holiness when single involved being chaste. Holiness when married involves being faithful to my spouse. This is good. And I particularly appreciate McLaughlin’s point that these boundaries do not necessitate loneliness for Christians attracted otherwise, because the local Christian community is to be a family – where deep friendships can be formed (see McLaughlin p.160-161). This really should not be underestimated. As McLaughlin comments, ‘In modern society we are led to believe we cannot live without sex. In fact, I believe we are more likely to wither without friend and family love.’ (p.160)
Secondly, I strive to do what Jesus calls me to do, and flee temptation. When speaking of lust, Jesus said, ‘if your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away!’ (Matthew 5:29) He is speaking hyperbolically, but the point is to cut off the source of temptation – for dwelling on and entertaining such thoughts in one’s heart leads to sin, and if persevered with unrepentedly, hell. (Note: This does not mean shunning or avoiding particular brothers or sisters in Christ if I am regularly in fellowship with them, but it does mean guarding my heart and being careful to not put myself in potentially compromising situations.)
Thirdly, Paul writes in multiple places about setting our minds on good things (eg, Philippians 4:8, Colossians 3:2). And so, I strive to re-focus my thoughts on what is good. When I was single, I would pray and give my desires to God (and then persevere in doing this when they came back). When married, I still pray, but I now re-focus my thoughts on my husband, where they are meant to be. This is something to be persevered with and cultivated.
As I think about all this, it occurs to me that the life Christ calls us to is very counter-cultural.
Our culture says to ‘follow your heart’ (thanks, Disney). Yet as a Christian I know that, ‘the heart is deceitful above all things’ (Jeremiah 17:9).
Our culture says to ‘express yourself.’ Jesus says, ‘deny yourself and follow me’ (Mark 8:34, my paraphrase).
Yet knowing Jesus is worth it, a thousand times over. He rescues us from the darkness of blindly pursuing our own desires, and following him brings light to our path and life to our soul.
References:
McLaughlin, Rebecca. Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World’s Largest Religion. Wheaton: Crossway, 2019.
Bigvai and Shiphrah 