This is a post that I wrote on the evening of Sunday the 26th July, a day and half before my little daughter Ellie passed away.
“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12
Last Sunday my daughter was born. Four days later, on Thursday night my husband and I gave her back to God. She had an inoperable heart condition.
That evening we took the life support tubes out and prepared to give her one last, long cuddle as her life came to an end.
But then she didn’t die.
We waited and waited, but by morning she was still with us and I found myself with a live infant in my arms who wanted to feed and play.
We were then told that babies with her heart condition can either pass away as soon as the life support tubes are out or at the other extreme live up to five months. As I write this, we have enjoyed the unexpected extra time we have with our daughter.
However, we are living with an acute knowledge that our daughter could die at any moment. We are truly living in the shadow of her death.
As I reflected upon this, I am reminded that all of us live in the shadow of death. However, for much of my life I forget this – I look at the age that my grandmother attained and death can seem so far away. Life is busy and full and I make plans – and imminent death is not one of them. I often live as though I’m not going to die. I imagine that most of us are like this.
But every time I listen to the sharp gasps that my daughter’s heart condition causes I am aware that this day could be her last.
The psalmist reflects upon the finitude and transient nature of human life, and writes, “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12)
The days of all of us are numbered. And yet for my daughter’s to be so imminently short absolutely rips the assumed guise of immortality off of my own life.
Bigvai and Shiphrah 